5/21 - 5/27/2012

So I didn't go into much detail about last week but I thought it might help me figure some things out if I did. I have recurring bouts of uncertainty about my dedication to training and calling triathlon my profession. There is a part of me that feels guilty about committing most of my energy to such a self indulgent endeavor, so it is hard enough to be confident and resolute about my training. There is another part of me that rears its ugly head from time to time, and for me this part is harder to clarify. I have struggled for a long time with some very self destructive tendencies and beliefs that has left me depressed at times, lost and in a state of abject instability. I am sure there is some biological contribution to this problem as well but it is something I have been working on for a long time and it has gotten better but is something I still struggle with.

Last week I lost all motivation to work out and then started questioning my dedication and things just started tumbling downhill from there. Once I get going, I can't think anything positive about my goals or myself and it is really debilitating. I suppose the biggest thing that troubles me is that even with years of improvement the best I can hope to be is mediocre amongst the professional field. I worry that this means I will never have a result that I can be proud of or even if I do it might take years to get even one and I just don't know if that is worth putting everything else I could accomplished with my life on hold for so long. The only real tool that I have is that I know that it wil pass and I just have to try to minimize the damage in the meantime. Trying not to make any big decisions, eat to much junk food or burn anyone around me down is a struggle but those are areas where I just try to lay low and wait it out. The part that I hate the most about this kind of low is the lingering negativity. Often when I am experiencing a bad patch I can't help but start thinking that I am never going to accomplish anything and those thoughts are hard to un-think.

I am feeling better this week and it helps to think about all the things that I love about what I am doing, the people that have been so supportive and the things that keep me inspired. One of the people that was a big part of sparking my interest in triathlon in the first place and has been a lasting inspiration for me is Ian Carney. We swam together in college and I think the thing that I admired most about him was that he approached training the way I do. He would never turn down a challenge to train harder and more often, never backing down from a race and sought adventure wherever he could find it. He was one of the most enthusiastic, positive and joyful people I have ever met and I am honored to have known him.

Over winter break of 2004 Ian died in a hiking accident and the lives of everyone that knew him have not been the same since. I am one of many that carry inspiration found from having known Ian and we are all better for having had him in our lives. To us his memory is a reminder to live life to the fullest that we are capable of, not because it can be cut short but because we know the joy that poured from  our friend who lived that way. Ian would have been 28 this week. To those of you who knew him I am certain that you share the strength I draw from him and to those of you who didn't I hope that you have someone in your life who inspires you like Ian inspires me.

This week I took it slow getting things going again and chose workouts I was confident I could do and knew I could recover from. I actually had some really solid workouts and felt better physically and mentally as the week went on. I talked to a couple of friends of mine and consulted with some long time athletes and coaches that I respect to get some perspective and advice. Support from the people in my life has gotten me through a lot and I am so grateful for that and for them. For now I am back on track and if you made it this far thanks for reading.

Swim 18,500 yds
Bike   11 hrs
Run    42.5 mi

5/14 - 5/20/2012

This was kind of a difficult week for me. I had burnt ou by wednesday and there were some things bogging me down mentally. Thursday and friday I was not motivated at all and was really frustrated that I could not get myself to work out. I go through periods like this from time to time where I question what I am doing and whether or not anything will ever come of it and it is tough but it always passes. There is always next week.

Swim 10,500 yds
Bike   7.25 hrs
Run   24 mi

5/7 - 5/13/2012

So I have been off the radar for a couple of weeks. Last week I was in Washington D. C. for my sisters wedding and the week before I was preparing for that trip. I had an awesome time with my family and I am so happy for my sister! I didn't do much activity while I was gone but my team had a stellar weekend at wildflower so check them out.

http://teamemj.wordpress.com/

This week I was trying to get things rolling again and it has been slow going. I feel pretty sluggish and low on energy but I was just trying to get the volume going again this week and will focus on quality next week.

On Saturday I did one of my favorite events of the year which is the Tour of California Appreciation Sufferfest. This is organized by Jeff Traugott who races with the Rock Lobster cyclocross team and is one of my dear friends. Huge long rides are my absolute favorite type of athletic endeavor so I had been looking forward to this one for a while.

I am starting to hone my training plans for the mid season events in a number of weeks and I am getting excited to start moving fast.

Swim 18,500 yds

Bike   15 hrs

Run    42 mi

Metro 'DU'athlon 2012

The Metro Triathlon is a great event put on by Threshold Racing at Lake Almaden south of San Jose. The course is familiar to me and very good for an early season test of speed. The bike is fairly flat and so is the run. The night before all the racers got an e-mail though saying the swim was canceled due to unsafe water conditions which I didn't realize would make such a big difference until a ways into the race when the dynamic of the field played out.

There were three other elite men racing, all of whom I have raced before and am fairly familiar with their strengths. Brian LaVelle is a strong guy all around and has had some great Ironman performances in his life, Ken Rakestraw is a stellar runner and certainly holds his own on the bike, and Stephen Kilshaw who I didn't know all that well but is a beast apparently were the other guys in the field.

Instead of a swim we started off with a one mile run and from the gun Stephen went to the front and started pulling away from us...Ken followed suit and Brian and I fell back a bit. After that mile run Stephen had 15-20 seconds on Ken who had a further 10-15 on Brian and I who rolled out onto the bike together. My original plan was to stick with Brian on the bike because I knew he was capable of putting up a stellar time. When we caught up to Ken, Brian paused though so I went past both of them to start setting a pace I thought might bring back Stephen who was still visible 300 meters or so up the road. After a long stretch on the front pushing hard and a few rollers I looked back and saw that there was a gap to my fellow chasers so I decided to go it alone. I knew that Brian could outrun me and that I would need multiple minutes on Ken to hold him off on the run so I put my head down and my eye on the lone figure far up the road.

I had no idea that Stephen was such a strong cyclist, I mean I didn't really know much about him, but the gap was not coming back and after the hilly middle section of the bike he was well out of sight. I had a stellar bike split but he absolutely flew; he posted a faster split than all the guys that were riding in a pack of thirty for the first ten miles! Just teasing guys :) It was a great ride for me putting even a little time in on Brian and Ken is a great indicator for me. I definitely put in a couple of diggs that were a little beyond my ability and definitely felt it as I hit the run.

Starting the run I had that feeling like I had slightly overcooked myself and was grasping for that little edge of extra speed I knew was there but my body couldn't get over that hump. I was running well but not as smoothly as I am able to and that was a bit frustrating but my fitness was there and able to carry me through. Ken caught me around mile two of the run and was absolutely flying! He ran a blazing 32:17, leaving Brian and I in the dust. I was able to hold Brian off and get third which is cool but mostly I am happy with the numbers I put up, especially given how hard I worked durring the week.

All the guys on my team did well and were all over the podium. It looks like it should be a strong year for us at Wildflower in a couple of weeks. I wish I could be there but I am absolutely certain that my sisters wedding is going to be way more fun :)

Photo Credit: David Condon

4/16 - 4/22/2012

It felt good to get back into some hard training this week and I put together some of the toughest sessions that I have done to date all in one week. I felt surprisingly good this week; I was expecting to lag for a while longer after the rest period around Oceanside so I am very pleased with that. The weather is starting to heat up here this week too so I am working on hydration/cooling/nutrition strategies I will definitely need later. Capped the week of with the Metro Triathlon on Sunday which is at a great little lake in south San Jose. This course is awesome for an early season event because the water is comfortable, the course is flat and the organizers are well established. It's cool to get a chance to race with some of my teammates too because I don't get to see them much. Everyone raced awesome and even though the swim was canceled it was a great event. Race report to come.

Swim 22,000 yds
Bike   14.5 hrs
Run    43.5 mi