Plans & Goals

    I started up writing again in part because the progress I had made brought me to a place where my brain was thinking of glory again. What kind of glory? Who knows. From a young age my athletic drive was pushed along by some deep seeded drive to be the best. The best at what? All sorts of things. Racing professionally for an number of years really put that in check. I was a very good athlete, which got me in the race. But when you race with the best it becomes very clear how far they sit above the rest. Even at my peak, I was still getting crushed by the top women and the lead men were half an hour ahead at the big events. In some ways this was really good for me because I was able to let go of the fantasy of being the best. I got to see how good I could be and learned that I was not world class. 

    Despite perspective, the drive never really died. With some of the good runs I had in the fall of 2023, something in me was again seeking. Seeking to break through, break free, break away from the rest. I don't really know what I want to accomplish, who I want to beat, or where I am trying to get to. But the drive is there. 

    This year has gotten off to a rough start. There has been a lot change going on at work and a continuing frenzy of busy life activity. I put in a lot of good training in during December to build on the racing fitness from cross-country season. That work put me in a great spot to attack some spring events. I had already registered for the The Kook Run and the Carlsbad 5000. I was really looking forward to these events and in my mind's idle time I was thinking about ways to improve on my performances from last year. Thinking about what I might be able to pull off. Daydreaming about times and clicking off miles at powerful paces. I even started thinking about the USATF SD Road Series, which these events are part of, and looking up past results to see how I might rank. And maybe those mental musings are tied to the subconscious drive that seeks glory in some way. But analysis aside, I was excited. 

    I went out for my long Sunday run which is my favorite activity of the week by far on January 6th and was feeling good. Then, in a moment I came crashing down. I stepped off the curb at a bit of an angle to start crossing the street and must have stepped on a wet uneven patch or something. Immediately I felt my left ankle wrench violently, yanked back under my leg as my weight shifted over the top of it and to the ground. I fell and the searing pain of the ankle being heavily torqued and I grabbed my leg to prevent anything from hitting it. I crawled out of the street and sat on the curb for some time. It has been quite a while since I had a bad sprain, and this one was almost as bad as any I had felt. I could feel my body going into shock, and despite it hurting like crazy I knew I had to get home to get it up. I limped home a couple of miles and have been in resting and icing mode all this week. 

    But on the walk home, and for the first couple of days, the upending of my planned training and the goals my mind has been concocting was brutal. Having that all yanked away in an instant just flipped my mind upside down from what it had been doing for the past couple of months. I had been building and making progress. And now everything was up in the air and uncertain. At first I was not sure if it was bad enough that I should go to the hospital and I thought the year of work on getting fit again was just all out the window. This week has been good though. Lots of elevating my foot and icing seems to have done wonders. Riding the stationary bike was also painless so I was able to get some cardio workouts in which hopefully will prevent too much loss of capacity. 

    I think in the past I would have been much more devastated, as if the injury were the end of the world. But life is much different now. I got to put my foot up and my kid brought me blankets and stuffed animals to feel better. And not being able to do some of the training I want is less of a letdown because I still get to spend time with my family and that brings so much joy as well. I also don't think the hobby is as important as it was before. Sure I may not get to run hard for a couple of weeks, but none of us have to look that far for lives that have been upended far worse, and people that have lost much more in an instant in recent times. 

    So I am healing up well, which is a pleasant surprise. But I am also not that dejected and am still happy despite having hit a pretty bad pothole in the process. This is the better surprise, and it is definitely because the other things I have in my life provide the center for my happiness. It is not tied so strongly to accomplishment in narrowly defined arenas drawn by the partially irrational sense of glory, despite that still being a part of me. I hope to be back on my feet soon as my foot seems to be healing well, and still plan on doing the Kook and C-Bad 5000. But I am glad to have found I don't need to be on track to some great achievement to be settled.